Post by Kikerz on Jan 1, 2010 11:48:25 GMT -8
Kiki Parks
(okay, so, I'd like to say that I put some epic thought into writing this, but I didn't. it just came. xD but in hindsight, I know we have a lot of stories about how we /got/ to paradise, but not very many about what happens once we get there. so, onwards! 5162 words on Jan 10, the close)
All that I remember is my name. It's funny how two letters in the same sequence can stick in your head for so long... and it wasn't even with me all my life. See, I was born Kaylee Parks, but always called Kiki. After my parents died and my family was separated, I met Shai, my 'surrogate mother', and took on her last name for a while, Uzikami. But then Sora came along, aand I was Kiki Hakuno. I don't even remember how I got my different last names anymore, so I'm not sure why I keep repeating this. But I know that if I don't, I'll forget, like everything else that's been lost.
I've lost count of how long I've been wandering; I don't even know where I am. All I have is the occasional glimpse of a reflection I manage to catch while trotting by water, but I never stay too long. Something tells me, no, commands me to keep moving. So I do, with no destination. I don't even know where I've been. There's nothing I remember, only what I've done on this land the previous day, and the day before that. I don't know how I got here, but I know that I haven't always been here.
It's quiet here. There's nothing to make noise - barely any wind to push the water around, no life... That's another thing. The weather is always the same. From the time the sun rises to the time the sun sets, and beyond that, the sky is always the exact same. I can't even be sure it's a day anymore - the moments melt together so much. And there isn't even anything to record time with anymore. Time has become one of those elusive ideas, one that you know the gist of, but can't actually put your finger on, to bring into reality.
I'd say this place was nearly perfect, but I can't remember anything to compare it to. I guess where I am is nice, though. I don't get hungry anymore, or thirsty. And there's only the occasional itch. It's always on my neck, Those feelings I can remember, but not much else. Exhaustion still hits me though, and I'm glad; otherwise I'd have nothing to do but wander.
The 'day' had been long in itself. I'd covered some good ground, or at least I thought I did. For all I knew I was just walking completely around this small world, wrapping back and tracing my steps one by one. If only I had an actual destination... For now, I've chosen a spot on the horizon and navigated like that. I'm always let down once I actually reach the point. So I usually sleep until the sun blinds me into consciousness again.
So when the next day rolled around, I wasn't expecting much from it. Out of habit and nothing more, I wandered to the nearby glistening stream to wash. Of course, this was needless, since I don't get dirty, but I still enjoy the feel of the water around me. It lets me know I'm alive, if only for a few moments at a time. I spent a few minutes paddling around, splashing liquid onto the shores for my own enjoyment, before the fun dripped away just like the dew.
Water cascaded around my vermillion fur as small, unused muscles stretched and tensed to pull me out of my watery prison. I stood there in the perfect temperature, with no wind to ruffle my fur, feeling a sense of satisfaction and victory from my endeavor. Being wet held that little chill to it, the one you weren't quite expecting. And that was more refreshing than the cannonball in. Something kept weighing me down, though, and for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. I guess it's normal to have a bulge of weight coming from your stomach; after all, it was all I knew.
My haunches collapsed beneath me into a compact arrangement as my cranium tilted to the perfect periwinkle sky. White fluffy clouds drifted occasionally by, but not close enough to cast a shadow. Yellow wolven optics scoped my location lazily as my mind wandered (as if my body wasn't doing enough of that!), resting on the point that asked just why I couldn't keep still. But even as this thought developed, stirring and simmering panic set in, gripping my heart and making the sights blur before my eyes. Stopping would mean something horrible, it would mean I lose something, and the pain was that I didn't know what.
I was used to the absence of noise now. Before, I found myself crashing through leaves, ramming against trees and howling just to hear something, anything at all. Now I wasn't even sure I could hear anything, anymore. Only the splashes from my recent dip had allowed me to reassure myself, albeit needlessly. All of this explains why when the cough echoed behind me I felt so compelled to throw myself backwards, cry out much louder than I should have, and tumble back into the water I had so recently vacated.
To add insult to injury, a low-pitched giggle echoed around me, followed by a disapproving huff from the lower voice. Bedraggled now, I climbed out of the water once more, or attempted to at the very least. The shock had numbed my muscles, and now they no longer responded to my every whim. I realized I was trembling, and was halfway to considering just staying in the water until a flash of white whizzed past my head and gently gripped my maroon shoulder.
I had the sense this had happened before.
Finally out, I barely managed to splutter up my thanks before my dazed eyes landed on my new companions. They were both male by the smell, and taller than me by a fair amount. Sitting back, their fur colours were white and a tanned brown respectively, the shorter being the brown hue. He certainly seemed the more energetic, and it looked as if every ounce of energy was going towards resisting springing at me. The taller white male flashed his golden eyes at me, looking me over carefully before announcing something that made no sense. "She's going to have to see Blue."
The world fell on a slant as I tilted my head, not quite anxious enough to give voice to my concerns. Of all things, shyness ran through my veins, feeling awed to finally see another who held the general shape as I did. "Who... are you?" Three simple words spilled from my tongue, causing the smaller wolf to gawk in amazement. "You don't remember...?" All I could do was wonder what there was to remember, and watch as the younger wolf steadily began to panic.
For the moment, every concern was vanquished under the gaze of the white wolf. He was someone I couldn't help but feel inferior to, as if I was being judged under his gaze. Dipping my head (and my ears as well), I looked away, past the pair of them as I blinked anxiously. Whispers floated around me before I noticed them stand up, and I instantly leapt to my paws as well. The taller wolf nodded to me before speaking, as if he knew what preyed on my mind. "You should follow us." Those simple words erupted, all I needed to stir my limbs into motion, both of them watching anxiously to make sure I kept up. That was the first journey.
Steadily I began to adjust to my new lifestyle. Treated as an invalid under the watchful eye of a fierce fae by the name of Blue, she didn't quite resemble the other four, but close enough to mark her as a wolf. The wolves who came to get me were Kiba and Toboe, white and brown respectively. Hige was chubby and yellow, seemingly attached to Blue in every way, and I only saw our other companion, Tsume, every so often. He was a loner, I guess, and kept to himself nearly all of the time.
Toboe was my constant companion, always making sure I was fed enough by Blue and was never alone. It was nice to be fussed over, but I had to wonder just why he was so involved. Hige kept telling him to 'give it time', reassuring him that I'd remember, since they all did, but I had lost faith in remembering a while ago. In the meantime, I kept growing; or at least my stomach did. From time to time, something would lurch inside there, and I nearly would collapse from the pain. Toboe never left me alone, so I was well taken care of in that respect. I guess you could say I was content, but there was that nagging voice in the back of my head now. It sounded like Toboe's voice, and it kept telling me there was something vital I was missing.
My life with this 'pack' of sorts settled into a usual rhythm, the details of which I will not delve into. I rarely saw Tsume, but when I did something pricked inside of me, especially when I saw his scar. It wasn't like the large 'x' was hidden; Prominently shown on his chest, the scar was a sensitive spot for him emotionally, so I didn't ask. But he caught me staring on more than one occasion - the conversation always went the same way. He'd pretend not to notice for the first time, then ask if I had anywhere else to be. I'd say nothing until he asked me about my own scar around my neck, a question I couldn't answer. It wasn't until Kiba noticed that this had become an obsession that real progress had been made. According to Toboe, this was great that I was remembering this of all things. It was that scar, and Hige's collar that haunted my mind and plagued me, snuck into my dreams at night and teased me until no end. I wouldn't find out why these two items stuck with me until much later, and only then did I grasp the true meaning of pain.
The memory still is perfectly chiseled in my mind, everything about it sparkling in it's serene clarity. In the days leading up to it, the weather started to change; The first wind had come weeks before, bringing such joy to my heart that even Tsume rustled up the heart to romp with us. Muscles that I had forgotten how to use took me across the long grass, outrunning everyone else around me. For those moments, with the wind finally moving fur that had lay still for so long, I could forget about what I could not remember. Everything melted away until the panting came, where Hige crashed into my side and we went tumbling gently down the hill. Instinctively I landed on my sides, never my stomach, not questioning why but obeying these directions.
The first wind might have come early, but the first storm was longer in approaching. It was that day, the one I found most tragically beautiful that things fell together, back into the way it should have been. The clouds were heavy in their load, and I had stolen some precious few moments away from Toboe, which was quite the relief. I liked the guy, of course, but his presence was the foremost thing I could remember about the passing day. Swimming was still something I enjoyed here, so my tiny paws steered themselves towards a lake, large in size and beaming in it's innocence. I thought I was alone, as usual, until the ivory shadow loomed behind me.
Kiba and I found ourselves talking until the sun was hidden behind clouds as dark as Tsume's pelt. The alpha had brought Hige and Tsume along with him, I now know to try and pique my memory. At first, I didn't even know why we were chatting - I thought it was strictly small chatter that bubbles in awkward situations. But soon, images I had lost the meaning to appeared just behind my eyes, casting shadows of doubt around my mind. Tsume warped before my eyes, pelt darkening and eyes changing hues, growing until a massive female occupied my sights. As if he sensed this, the wolf I used to know backed away until all I could see was the ivory scar in the darkened day, and then nothing.
Hige was another story, similar in plot. His collar stood out, like a lifeboat in a sea of broken memories. I last saw it... yes, I had seen it before... Another female... For the first time, a headache wormed it's way into existence, skull throbbing and beating with my heart. Optics shut, trying to ward off this malady, but soon another came, but a malady of a different kind.
At first, everything appeared black. And furry. My viewpoint raised suddenly, beyond the pelt I was buried in, and cold attacked my visage mercilessly. Cringing, I retreated back into the fur, meriting a grunt from it's owner. "Sorry Shai..." A name I no longer knew falling from what must be my own tongue, meaning was lost on me, unable to do anything but watch.
Kiba stood up, his silver eyes... No, that wasn't right. Kiba had golden eyes... so who was this doppleganger? Whoever-it-was said nothing, just gestured, and as one the pack began to stir, the massive fae one of the last to move. Figures, a spectrum in colours swam around me; Orange, brown, more black, black mixed with silver, white...
I didn't notice I fell into the water again until I realized I didn't have to breathe. There was no demand for oxygen, and later this would be a main reason as to why the events happened when they did. Bubbles had erupted around me as I cascaded down, but by now they should have faded away. Lying on my back, letting the water hold me up, my cranium was in perfect position to watch the surface of the water flashing from the lightning above. My tail stuck up like a beacon, tiny paws unwilling to move. I was relaxed, especially when I should not have been... There was a storm, after all, and everyone knew lightning was attracted to water. But, what was I afraid of?
Back to the bubbles, who swirled around me in their inconspicuous way. Before my yellowed eyes, they multiplied and mutated, becoming faces I was now beginning to name. An orange head, one I should have remembered eons before... He stared me down now, tongue lolling in a playful manner. Sora... Sora Hakuno... My mind was moving at a snail's pace, one that infuriated me and rankled me to the bone. Kiki Hakuno... Hakuno... He would be my mate then, I guess. I knew he wasn't of my blood. That explained the feeling of butterflies that erupted, the dizziness that exploded before me as I saw him again and again. Reaching out with eager paws, I began to remember everything, seeing the pack once more, feeling the relationships swirl, while only able to name one of it's members. Desperate to reach this mate of mine once more, my paws slashed through the water, exploding the male's face into hundreds more, taunting and teasing me as the air lifted towards the surface.
If I had complained of a slow pace before, I take it back and cry mercy. As soon as Sora's face had disappeared, Seiko's had appeared, the mask all-too known to me with the emeralds that matched my illusion's. I had even forgotten my illusion here... could I still raise it? Amaya rose next, looking for all the world like Kiba, her ancestor I knew once more. Kaori followed, laughing at an invisible joke, sporting Hige's collar and giving meaning to the mystery. I was so excited at seeing that collar, knowing that I had not been insane at obsessing over it, I yelped at seeing it, a silent stream of bubbles the only testament. And then Shai. Shai Uzikami, my mother... Wearing Tsume's scar as a proud momento. But there was something else around her neck, something that I placed as an intimate of my own. My ruby was resting just at the intersection, blurring my memories and transporting me back, until I met an aged Toboe and a vengeful Delaya once more.
I don't know how I returned to the cave after that. For three days I lay there, motionless, lifeless, Toboe yipping outside the entrance (He had been banned from coming in by Blue) as I rested, an unrelenting stream of emotion and tears caking my face. Now, of all times, I figured it out. This was Paradise, I was dead. And only Toboe had made it here with me, he was the only other fatality. I couldn't have grown smaller, only larger, as my puppies that I now knew existed, had survived, still decided to reach the fruit of their, and my, labor. Depression knocked at every door I tried, feeling the heartache not of my own death, but the loss of the pack, knowing that I might never see them again.
I wasn't a Descendant like the rest of my pack. I don't even know how I ended up in this Paradise. I certainly didn't deserve to; I had failed to save my parents, estranged my siblings from my life. I had killed a human once, I remember, with Shai in a fight. There had to be some kind of mistake; I didn't belong here.
The fourth day rolled around, and I was visited by Blue of all people. She said nothing, lying a few feet away from me before letting the silence echo before us. "So now you know." Four words couldn't have been heavier upon my back; I could only incline my head slightly in response. She went on, explaining that each one of them had an experience like mine, albeit differing in means and memories. Only Toboe had a glimpse at the memories I knew, the people I shared a pack with. No one else was invited into my private hell. Curling my hind legs beneath me, I shifted, waiting for the female to either leave or ask something else, knowing that this trip wasn't a pleasantry. The latter appeared quickly, and she soon gave voice to a question too painful to answer. Did I know her Descendant? Yes, yes, I did. I knew all of your descendants, you would be proud of them. They were my dearest friends, closest allies... and I had deserted them.
Then another two days. My breakdown with Blue was remedied by Toboe, and we spoke of the days while alive. It was painful, but my heart started to heal, to know it's pains and embrace them, punishment for vacating the world. Staring up at the elder I once knew, now reborn, he asked how my pups were doing. I replied that I didn't know how the hell I was carrying them, how they were still growing. As Descendants themselves, they must have been my ticket into this place, but the way they were still growing was beyond even Kiba's knowing.
I was growing stronger now, finding a new reason to move about and keep my mental health intact. The pups were growing, yes, but a bittersweet truth had made itself known. The Descendants were on their way, traveling towards their deaths in pursuit of this place. The horror of this prospect had gripped me terribly, causing me to howl out in rage and race, searching for any way to contact my loved ones. I found none, but carried a message I hoped they could hear. There was no need to come here, Paradise was not it was all cracked up to be. If they all lost their memories, only to feel the same pain I felt upon remembering, it was not worth it, not in any way.
This Paradise was relative, all according to the wolf you asked. Tsume would spit on the ground for his answer, walking away at a steady trot until he was no longer in sight. Hige would laugh, telling me that this was good, Paradise was something to be enjoyed, relished. Blue never gave a straight answer, never the same one. Toboe of course loved it - he had his whole pack with him. Kiba never answered me, asking me to find my own answer first. But I already had it, stored within my heart. The line that divided Paradise was the line between Heaven and Hell.
After this revelation was made, I didn't really know what do anymore. For the first time, I felt helpless, unable to find anything that could change the fates. I knew what they were, now, at least. My pack was running in search of where I was right now, while all they really had to do was wait out their lives. They could be happy, settle down... Amaya and Seiko would finally get over their angst-ridden egos and discover they were meant to be. Kao and Shai I had no doubt they would find someone, maybe even another litter for Shai - that'd be nice. Ikusa and Kamoku would like that, they'd be able to grow up! And Sora.... I'm sure he'd move on, despite how much I found myself pushing against the fact.
If only they knew that Paradise wasn't something to fight for.
But what if I was wrong? What if the Nobles; Delaya, Kyo, Ryo... what if they claimed Paradise? Would things change, be warped out of control? If Paradise was relative, would there be separate bodies for each wolf that entered? But that didn't explain Kiba's presence, or the rest of his pack's.
Every time I launched into this tirade, trying to puzzle out just why we were fighting in the first place. It was for Paradise, and my faith in it had been true, but why fight for something that could lie so peacefully? Surely my adoptive pack wasn't the only band of wolves around here; There were parents and grandparents, Descendants of Ancestors who would birth more Descendants, causing the chain to be forever repeated.
Maybe this was why Hige said I think too much.
It was always in the same place, sitting at the riverbank where I had fallen in, and first remembered my pack in the sight of bubbles. Headaches had become much more common, the once joyous pain now reduced to annoyance, and my abdomen had swollen until it was the size of Hige's belly after a huge meal (or so I was told). All my life now, or what could be labelled as such, was waiting; Waiting for my pack to arrive, waiting for the pups to arrive.. and waiting for sleep so I could search in my dreams what I couldn't in reality; to revel in the life of my pack as we ran through the land, clinging to every interaction, fiction or fantasy, as I clung to the edge, waiting for them to arrive at their fate.
So, my false 'life' that I 'lived' here was quiet for what I could guess was a few months. I had given up trying to keep time here; what was an hour one day was a minute the next day - nothing added up. (Although it was more likely that my own sense of time was slipping.) That quiet ended though, not long after the sun got up, long after I had found my memory once again. There were pains, pains nearly of the same calibre I had experienced in my dying moments, but ones of different levels. This was from inside, trapped with no way of release.
My voice carried out through the den, causing alarm to reverberate throughout the surrounding dens. Hige and Toboe were, decidedly useless, as expected. Tsume took one look at me and took off running faster than I had ever seen him move. But it was Kiba and Blue who managed to talk me through the two sunrises that was the extent of the pain that took hold.
But at the end, I suddenly knew, now, knew more about just how Shai felt every time Kamoku walked by, how my own parents must have felt as the fire that claimed their lives prevented them for growing and living with their children. My own three, I knew, would not suffer the same way. I wouldn't let it.
This sparked a whole other debate, one that I had loads of time to mull over as my new children lay beside me. I admit, I was one to worry about squishing their tiny frames, but in any case, they seemed to be happy and lively, and growing faster than I thought was possible. Two boys and one girl; already developing miniature personalities and fur colours and muscles... Within a short time, they were already running around, knowing that they would soon rival my own height.
The mystery was, how could they be born into this world? If this was the afterlife, it made sense for me to be here, but my children? Maybe, then, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this wasn't some kind of perverse celestial punishment, but a new world, still developing, and we were running in it's test drive.
Aiko, for the girl. Beloved child, that is what I named her. For she would be loved by many, that I knew. For even if her father wasn't here, her family was on it's way, running as fast as they could for the new world. Shuo, my eldest boy, was named for flight, and the youngest Yori, for trust. Virtues that I knew the would need to hold as the times approached. Aiko was the lightest hued of us three, a light cream hue that was orange in it's starting shade. Her eyes were the emerald green, the noted shade that I held in my old human illusion. Shuo was the darkest, red, like me, with blue eyes that firmly belonged to my mate, and burly enough to be him in a separate shade. And Yori was a firm fire-like orange, yellowed eyes speaking of me. Their personalities would have to wait, as they were too young to do anything but cuddle and scamper around.
The last time I said anything must have been ages ago; I remember what I said, and what I felt, but the timing of everything seems so far away. My pups are grown now, old enough to understand and appreciate the tales of lore from such a long time ago. Their human appearances are around eight years old now, almost half the age I was when I entered this place. The rest of us, 'Grandpa' Toboe, Kiba, Tsume, Blue, and Hige, we don't age anymore. Maybe you stop aging at a certain age? How am I to know.
Yori believes in them. As does Shuo, as far as I know. Aiko, however, needs more prodding, more than just a mother off her rocker to explain the tales that I experienced first hand. I started telling them every night, just as the sun was beginning to dip behind the first hill and casting the grass in light that was searing as it died. I started at the beginning, remembering all I could, starting with the fire that took my parents away from me, and my quest before I met my pack.
My daughter reminds me of me; I can see it in the emeralds I used to know as my own. Staring at her as she glared at me, rolling those gems as skepticism ran rampant, I saw myself, and my own lack of faith as I traveled with my family. Shuo and Yori were more my mate's children, happy to accept the stories I wove. But even as the story was told, a crucial element was lacking, left to the sides to wither. My own kin could not understand, nor ever comprehend the passion, the desire behind our trek, and the doubt; We didn't know whether this Paradise would exist or not; we ran into the dark.
The stories reached a certain point, the four-year mark that truly defined the beginning of the end. The characters that my children had grown to know and love, if not necessarily believe in began to shatter the family, as they had in that bar the one night. 'Grandpa' Toboe listened in on my stories too, and as I reached his climax he joined in, explaining the tale from his end. I would be lying to say that tears didn't fall from my optics as the stories unraveled.
And then there was one night, and this is where my tale ends. The olders ones could sense it in the air, Blue explaining the same energies that had existed as I had arrived. Hope and grief fluttered in my breast as I took to the hills, forgetting my children behind as I ran, searching for one familiar face I knew and adored; I searched for the myth to come alive. The figure wavered, the air distending as new molecules arrived and took hold. All it took was a glimpse of orange fur for the fire to be re-ignited in my heart, the knowledge of who this was setting my paws faster than they ever had before.
But there was something that spoke in the back of my mind, something that struck me down as my joy reached a crescendo. As I had, he wouldn't remember either; All those faces, scents, and names would be lost to him. Then again, I was without the luxury of companionship, leaving the responsibility of memory to myself. But for my mate, and the rest of the pack that arrived, there was me. I was always there, running to catch up. And now I could hold my promise true, the one I had spoken to my mother as I died; Just lingering for moments longer, I knew that I would be the first to greet every single one of them as they crossed the threshold, entered the Paradise they all deserved, finally tasting the peace we had all fought for.
(okay, so, I'd like to say that I put some epic thought into writing this, but I didn't. it just came. xD but in hindsight, I know we have a lot of stories about how we /got/ to paradise, but not very many about what happens once we get there. so, onwards! 5162 words on Jan 10, the close)
***
All that I remember is my name. It's funny how two letters in the same sequence can stick in your head for so long... and it wasn't even with me all my life. See, I was born Kaylee Parks, but always called Kiki. After my parents died and my family was separated, I met Shai, my 'surrogate mother', and took on her last name for a while, Uzikami. But then Sora came along, aand I was Kiki Hakuno. I don't even remember how I got my different last names anymore, so I'm not sure why I keep repeating this. But I know that if I don't, I'll forget, like everything else that's been lost.
I've lost count of how long I've been wandering; I don't even know where I am. All I have is the occasional glimpse of a reflection I manage to catch while trotting by water, but I never stay too long. Something tells me, no, commands me to keep moving. So I do, with no destination. I don't even know where I've been. There's nothing I remember, only what I've done on this land the previous day, and the day before that. I don't know how I got here, but I know that I haven't always been here.
It's quiet here. There's nothing to make noise - barely any wind to push the water around, no life... That's another thing. The weather is always the same. From the time the sun rises to the time the sun sets, and beyond that, the sky is always the exact same. I can't even be sure it's a day anymore - the moments melt together so much. And there isn't even anything to record time with anymore. Time has become one of those elusive ideas, one that you know the gist of, but can't actually put your finger on, to bring into reality.
I'd say this place was nearly perfect, but I can't remember anything to compare it to. I guess where I am is nice, though. I don't get hungry anymore, or thirsty. And there's only the occasional itch. It's always on my neck, Those feelings I can remember, but not much else. Exhaustion still hits me though, and I'm glad; otherwise I'd have nothing to do but wander.
The 'day' had been long in itself. I'd covered some good ground, or at least I thought I did. For all I knew I was just walking completely around this small world, wrapping back and tracing my steps one by one. If only I had an actual destination... For now, I've chosen a spot on the horizon and navigated like that. I'm always let down once I actually reach the point. So I usually sleep until the sun blinds me into consciousness again.
***
So when the next day rolled around, I wasn't expecting much from it. Out of habit and nothing more, I wandered to the nearby glistening stream to wash. Of course, this was needless, since I don't get dirty, but I still enjoy the feel of the water around me. It lets me know I'm alive, if only for a few moments at a time. I spent a few minutes paddling around, splashing liquid onto the shores for my own enjoyment, before the fun dripped away just like the dew.
Water cascaded around my vermillion fur as small, unused muscles stretched and tensed to pull me out of my watery prison. I stood there in the perfect temperature, with no wind to ruffle my fur, feeling a sense of satisfaction and victory from my endeavor. Being wet held that little chill to it, the one you weren't quite expecting. And that was more refreshing than the cannonball in. Something kept weighing me down, though, and for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. I guess it's normal to have a bulge of weight coming from your stomach; after all, it was all I knew.
My haunches collapsed beneath me into a compact arrangement as my cranium tilted to the perfect periwinkle sky. White fluffy clouds drifted occasionally by, but not close enough to cast a shadow. Yellow wolven optics scoped my location lazily as my mind wandered (as if my body wasn't doing enough of that!), resting on the point that asked just why I couldn't keep still. But even as this thought developed, stirring and simmering panic set in, gripping my heart and making the sights blur before my eyes. Stopping would mean something horrible, it would mean I lose something, and the pain was that I didn't know what.
I was used to the absence of noise now. Before, I found myself crashing through leaves, ramming against trees and howling just to hear something, anything at all. Now I wasn't even sure I could hear anything, anymore. Only the splashes from my recent dip had allowed me to reassure myself, albeit needlessly. All of this explains why when the cough echoed behind me I felt so compelled to throw myself backwards, cry out much louder than I should have, and tumble back into the water I had so recently vacated.
***
To add insult to injury, a low-pitched giggle echoed around me, followed by a disapproving huff from the lower voice. Bedraggled now, I climbed out of the water once more, or attempted to at the very least. The shock had numbed my muscles, and now they no longer responded to my every whim. I realized I was trembling, and was halfway to considering just staying in the water until a flash of white whizzed past my head and gently gripped my maroon shoulder.
I had the sense this had happened before.
Finally out, I barely managed to splutter up my thanks before my dazed eyes landed on my new companions. They were both male by the smell, and taller than me by a fair amount. Sitting back, their fur colours were white and a tanned brown respectively, the shorter being the brown hue. He certainly seemed the more energetic, and it looked as if every ounce of energy was going towards resisting springing at me. The taller white male flashed his golden eyes at me, looking me over carefully before announcing something that made no sense. "She's going to have to see Blue."
The world fell on a slant as I tilted my head, not quite anxious enough to give voice to my concerns. Of all things, shyness ran through my veins, feeling awed to finally see another who held the general shape as I did. "Who... are you?" Three simple words spilled from my tongue, causing the smaller wolf to gawk in amazement. "You don't remember...?" All I could do was wonder what there was to remember, and watch as the younger wolf steadily began to panic.
For the moment, every concern was vanquished under the gaze of the white wolf. He was someone I couldn't help but feel inferior to, as if I was being judged under his gaze. Dipping my head (and my ears as well), I looked away, past the pair of them as I blinked anxiously. Whispers floated around me before I noticed them stand up, and I instantly leapt to my paws as well. The taller wolf nodded to me before speaking, as if he knew what preyed on my mind. "You should follow us." Those simple words erupted, all I needed to stir my limbs into motion, both of them watching anxiously to make sure I kept up. That was the first journey.
***
Steadily I began to adjust to my new lifestyle. Treated as an invalid under the watchful eye of a fierce fae by the name of Blue, she didn't quite resemble the other four, but close enough to mark her as a wolf. The wolves who came to get me were Kiba and Toboe, white and brown respectively. Hige was chubby and yellow, seemingly attached to Blue in every way, and I only saw our other companion, Tsume, every so often. He was a loner, I guess, and kept to himself nearly all of the time.
Toboe was my constant companion, always making sure I was fed enough by Blue and was never alone. It was nice to be fussed over, but I had to wonder just why he was so involved. Hige kept telling him to 'give it time', reassuring him that I'd remember, since they all did, but I had lost faith in remembering a while ago. In the meantime, I kept growing; or at least my stomach did. From time to time, something would lurch inside there, and I nearly would collapse from the pain. Toboe never left me alone, so I was well taken care of in that respect. I guess you could say I was content, but there was that nagging voice in the back of my head now. It sounded like Toboe's voice, and it kept telling me there was something vital I was missing.
My life with this 'pack' of sorts settled into a usual rhythm, the details of which I will not delve into. I rarely saw Tsume, but when I did something pricked inside of me, especially when I saw his scar. It wasn't like the large 'x' was hidden; Prominently shown on his chest, the scar was a sensitive spot for him emotionally, so I didn't ask. But he caught me staring on more than one occasion - the conversation always went the same way. He'd pretend not to notice for the first time, then ask if I had anywhere else to be. I'd say nothing until he asked me about my own scar around my neck, a question I couldn't answer. It wasn't until Kiba noticed that this had become an obsession that real progress had been made. According to Toboe, this was great that I was remembering this of all things. It was that scar, and Hige's collar that haunted my mind and plagued me, snuck into my dreams at night and teased me until no end. I wouldn't find out why these two items stuck with me until much later, and only then did I grasp the true meaning of pain.
***
The memory still is perfectly chiseled in my mind, everything about it sparkling in it's serene clarity. In the days leading up to it, the weather started to change; The first wind had come weeks before, bringing such joy to my heart that even Tsume rustled up the heart to romp with us. Muscles that I had forgotten how to use took me across the long grass, outrunning everyone else around me. For those moments, with the wind finally moving fur that had lay still for so long, I could forget about what I could not remember. Everything melted away until the panting came, where Hige crashed into my side and we went tumbling gently down the hill. Instinctively I landed on my sides, never my stomach, not questioning why but obeying these directions.
The first wind might have come early, but the first storm was longer in approaching. It was that day, the one I found most tragically beautiful that things fell together, back into the way it should have been. The clouds were heavy in their load, and I had stolen some precious few moments away from Toboe, which was quite the relief. I liked the guy, of course, but his presence was the foremost thing I could remember about the passing day. Swimming was still something I enjoyed here, so my tiny paws steered themselves towards a lake, large in size and beaming in it's innocence. I thought I was alone, as usual, until the ivory shadow loomed behind me.
Kiba and I found ourselves talking until the sun was hidden behind clouds as dark as Tsume's pelt. The alpha had brought Hige and Tsume along with him, I now know to try and pique my memory. At first, I didn't even know why we were chatting - I thought it was strictly small chatter that bubbles in awkward situations. But soon, images I had lost the meaning to appeared just behind my eyes, casting shadows of doubt around my mind. Tsume warped before my eyes, pelt darkening and eyes changing hues, growing until a massive female occupied my sights. As if he sensed this, the wolf I used to know backed away until all I could see was the ivory scar in the darkened day, and then nothing.
Hige was another story, similar in plot. His collar stood out, like a lifeboat in a sea of broken memories. I last saw it... yes, I had seen it before... Another female... For the first time, a headache wormed it's way into existence, skull throbbing and beating with my heart. Optics shut, trying to ward off this malady, but soon another came, but a malady of a different kind.
At first, everything appeared black. And furry. My viewpoint raised suddenly, beyond the pelt I was buried in, and cold attacked my visage mercilessly. Cringing, I retreated back into the fur, meriting a grunt from it's owner. "Sorry Shai..." A name I no longer knew falling from what must be my own tongue, meaning was lost on me, unable to do anything but watch.
Kiba stood up, his silver eyes... No, that wasn't right. Kiba had golden eyes... so who was this doppleganger? Whoever-it-was said nothing, just gestured, and as one the pack began to stir, the massive fae one of the last to move. Figures, a spectrum in colours swam around me; Orange, brown, more black, black mixed with silver, white...
***
I didn't notice I fell into the water again until I realized I didn't have to breathe. There was no demand for oxygen, and later this would be a main reason as to why the events happened when they did. Bubbles had erupted around me as I cascaded down, but by now they should have faded away. Lying on my back, letting the water hold me up, my cranium was in perfect position to watch the surface of the water flashing from the lightning above. My tail stuck up like a beacon, tiny paws unwilling to move. I was relaxed, especially when I should not have been... There was a storm, after all, and everyone knew lightning was attracted to water. But, what was I afraid of?
Back to the bubbles, who swirled around me in their inconspicuous way. Before my yellowed eyes, they multiplied and mutated, becoming faces I was now beginning to name. An orange head, one I should have remembered eons before... He stared me down now, tongue lolling in a playful manner. Sora... Sora Hakuno... My mind was moving at a snail's pace, one that infuriated me and rankled me to the bone. Kiki Hakuno... Hakuno... He would be my mate then, I guess. I knew he wasn't of my blood. That explained the feeling of butterflies that erupted, the dizziness that exploded before me as I saw him again and again. Reaching out with eager paws, I began to remember everything, seeing the pack once more, feeling the relationships swirl, while only able to name one of it's members. Desperate to reach this mate of mine once more, my paws slashed through the water, exploding the male's face into hundreds more, taunting and teasing me as the air lifted towards the surface.
If I had complained of a slow pace before, I take it back and cry mercy. As soon as Sora's face had disappeared, Seiko's had appeared, the mask all-too known to me with the emeralds that matched my illusion's. I had even forgotten my illusion here... could I still raise it? Amaya rose next, looking for all the world like Kiba, her ancestor I knew once more. Kaori followed, laughing at an invisible joke, sporting Hige's collar and giving meaning to the mystery. I was so excited at seeing that collar, knowing that I had not been insane at obsessing over it, I yelped at seeing it, a silent stream of bubbles the only testament. And then Shai. Shai Uzikami, my mother... Wearing Tsume's scar as a proud momento. But there was something else around her neck, something that I placed as an intimate of my own. My ruby was resting just at the intersection, blurring my memories and transporting me back, until I met an aged Toboe and a vengeful Delaya once more.
***
I don't know how I returned to the cave after that. For three days I lay there, motionless, lifeless, Toboe yipping outside the entrance (He had been banned from coming in by Blue) as I rested, an unrelenting stream of emotion and tears caking my face. Now, of all times, I figured it out. This was Paradise, I was dead. And only Toboe had made it here with me, he was the only other fatality. I couldn't have grown smaller, only larger, as my puppies that I now knew existed, had survived, still decided to reach the fruit of their, and my, labor. Depression knocked at every door I tried, feeling the heartache not of my own death, but the loss of the pack, knowing that I might never see them again.
I wasn't a Descendant like the rest of my pack. I don't even know how I ended up in this Paradise. I certainly didn't deserve to; I had failed to save my parents, estranged my siblings from my life. I had killed a human once, I remember, with Shai in a fight. There had to be some kind of mistake; I didn't belong here.
The fourth day rolled around, and I was visited by Blue of all people. She said nothing, lying a few feet away from me before letting the silence echo before us. "So now you know." Four words couldn't have been heavier upon my back; I could only incline my head slightly in response. She went on, explaining that each one of them had an experience like mine, albeit differing in means and memories. Only Toboe had a glimpse at the memories I knew, the people I shared a pack with. No one else was invited into my private hell. Curling my hind legs beneath me, I shifted, waiting for the female to either leave or ask something else, knowing that this trip wasn't a pleasantry. The latter appeared quickly, and she soon gave voice to a question too painful to answer. Did I know her Descendant? Yes, yes, I did. I knew all of your descendants, you would be proud of them. They were my dearest friends, closest allies... and I had deserted them.
***
Then another two days. My breakdown with Blue was remedied by Toboe, and we spoke of the days while alive. It was painful, but my heart started to heal, to know it's pains and embrace them, punishment for vacating the world. Staring up at the elder I once knew, now reborn, he asked how my pups were doing. I replied that I didn't know how the hell I was carrying them, how they were still growing. As Descendants themselves, they must have been my ticket into this place, but the way they were still growing was beyond even Kiba's knowing.
I was growing stronger now, finding a new reason to move about and keep my mental health intact. The pups were growing, yes, but a bittersweet truth had made itself known. The Descendants were on their way, traveling towards their deaths in pursuit of this place. The horror of this prospect had gripped me terribly, causing me to howl out in rage and race, searching for any way to contact my loved ones. I found none, but carried a message I hoped they could hear. There was no need to come here, Paradise was not it was all cracked up to be. If they all lost their memories, only to feel the same pain I felt upon remembering, it was not worth it, not in any way.
This Paradise was relative, all according to the wolf you asked. Tsume would spit on the ground for his answer, walking away at a steady trot until he was no longer in sight. Hige would laugh, telling me that this was good, Paradise was something to be enjoyed, relished. Blue never gave a straight answer, never the same one. Toboe of course loved it - he had his whole pack with him. Kiba never answered me, asking me to find my own answer first. But I already had it, stored within my heart. The line that divided Paradise was the line between Heaven and Hell.
***
After this revelation was made, I didn't really know what do anymore. For the first time, I felt helpless, unable to find anything that could change the fates. I knew what they were, now, at least. My pack was running in search of where I was right now, while all they really had to do was wait out their lives. They could be happy, settle down... Amaya and Seiko would finally get over their angst-ridden egos and discover they were meant to be. Kao and Shai I had no doubt they would find someone, maybe even another litter for Shai - that'd be nice. Ikusa and Kamoku would like that, they'd be able to grow up! And Sora.... I'm sure he'd move on, despite how much I found myself pushing against the fact.
If only they knew that Paradise wasn't something to fight for.
But what if I was wrong? What if the Nobles; Delaya, Kyo, Ryo... what if they claimed Paradise? Would things change, be warped out of control? If Paradise was relative, would there be separate bodies for each wolf that entered? But that didn't explain Kiba's presence, or the rest of his pack's.
Every time I launched into this tirade, trying to puzzle out just why we were fighting in the first place. It was for Paradise, and my faith in it had been true, but why fight for something that could lie so peacefully? Surely my adoptive pack wasn't the only band of wolves around here; There were parents and grandparents, Descendants of Ancestors who would birth more Descendants, causing the chain to be forever repeated.
Maybe this was why Hige said I think too much.
It was always in the same place, sitting at the riverbank where I had fallen in, and first remembered my pack in the sight of bubbles. Headaches had become much more common, the once joyous pain now reduced to annoyance, and my abdomen had swollen until it was the size of Hige's belly after a huge meal (or so I was told). All my life now, or what could be labelled as such, was waiting; Waiting for my pack to arrive, waiting for the pups to arrive.. and waiting for sleep so I could search in my dreams what I couldn't in reality; to revel in the life of my pack as we ran through the land, clinging to every interaction, fiction or fantasy, as I clung to the edge, waiting for them to arrive at their fate.
***
So, my false 'life' that I 'lived' here was quiet for what I could guess was a few months. I had given up trying to keep time here; what was an hour one day was a minute the next day - nothing added up. (Although it was more likely that my own sense of time was slipping.) That quiet ended though, not long after the sun got up, long after I had found my memory once again. There were pains, pains nearly of the same calibre I had experienced in my dying moments, but ones of different levels. This was from inside, trapped with no way of release.
My voice carried out through the den, causing alarm to reverberate throughout the surrounding dens. Hige and Toboe were, decidedly useless, as expected. Tsume took one look at me and took off running faster than I had ever seen him move. But it was Kiba and Blue who managed to talk me through the two sunrises that was the extent of the pain that took hold.
But at the end, I suddenly knew, now, knew more about just how Shai felt every time Kamoku walked by, how my own parents must have felt as the fire that claimed their lives prevented them for growing and living with their children. My own three, I knew, would not suffer the same way. I wouldn't let it.
This sparked a whole other debate, one that I had loads of time to mull over as my new children lay beside me. I admit, I was one to worry about squishing their tiny frames, but in any case, they seemed to be happy and lively, and growing faster than I thought was possible. Two boys and one girl; already developing miniature personalities and fur colours and muscles... Within a short time, they were already running around, knowing that they would soon rival my own height.
The mystery was, how could they be born into this world? If this was the afterlife, it made sense for me to be here, but my children? Maybe, then, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this wasn't some kind of perverse celestial punishment, but a new world, still developing, and we were running in it's test drive.
Aiko, for the girl. Beloved child, that is what I named her. For she would be loved by many, that I knew. For even if her father wasn't here, her family was on it's way, running as fast as they could for the new world. Shuo, my eldest boy, was named for flight, and the youngest Yori, for trust. Virtues that I knew the would need to hold as the times approached. Aiko was the lightest hued of us three, a light cream hue that was orange in it's starting shade. Her eyes were the emerald green, the noted shade that I held in my old human illusion. Shuo was the darkest, red, like me, with blue eyes that firmly belonged to my mate, and burly enough to be him in a separate shade. And Yori was a firm fire-like orange, yellowed eyes speaking of me. Their personalities would have to wait, as they were too young to do anything but cuddle and scamper around.
***
***
***
***
***
The last time I said anything must have been ages ago; I remember what I said, and what I felt, but the timing of everything seems so far away. My pups are grown now, old enough to understand and appreciate the tales of lore from such a long time ago. Their human appearances are around eight years old now, almost half the age I was when I entered this place. The rest of us, 'Grandpa' Toboe, Kiba, Tsume, Blue, and Hige, we don't age anymore. Maybe you stop aging at a certain age? How am I to know.
Yori believes in them. As does Shuo, as far as I know. Aiko, however, needs more prodding, more than just a mother off her rocker to explain the tales that I experienced first hand. I started telling them every night, just as the sun was beginning to dip behind the first hill and casting the grass in light that was searing as it died. I started at the beginning, remembering all I could, starting with the fire that took my parents away from me, and my quest before I met my pack.
My daughter reminds me of me; I can see it in the emeralds I used to know as my own. Staring at her as she glared at me, rolling those gems as skepticism ran rampant, I saw myself, and my own lack of faith as I traveled with my family. Shuo and Yori were more my mate's children, happy to accept the stories I wove. But even as the story was told, a crucial element was lacking, left to the sides to wither. My own kin could not understand, nor ever comprehend the passion, the desire behind our trek, and the doubt; We didn't know whether this Paradise would exist or not; we ran into the dark.
***
The stories reached a certain point, the four-year mark that truly defined the beginning of the end. The characters that my children had grown to know and love, if not necessarily believe in began to shatter the family, as they had in that bar the one night. 'Grandpa' Toboe listened in on my stories too, and as I reached his climax he joined in, explaining the tale from his end. I would be lying to say that tears didn't fall from my optics as the stories unraveled.
And then there was one night, and this is where my tale ends. The olders ones could sense it in the air, Blue explaining the same energies that had existed as I had arrived. Hope and grief fluttered in my breast as I took to the hills, forgetting my children behind as I ran, searching for one familiar face I knew and adored; I searched for the myth to come alive. The figure wavered, the air distending as new molecules arrived and took hold. All it took was a glimpse of orange fur for the fire to be re-ignited in my heart, the knowledge of who this was setting my paws faster than they ever had before.
But there was something that spoke in the back of my mind, something that struck me down as my joy reached a crescendo. As I had, he wouldn't remember either; All those faces, scents, and names would be lost to him. Then again, I was without the luxury of companionship, leaving the responsibility of memory to myself. But for my mate, and the rest of the pack that arrived, there was me. I was always there, running to catch up. And now I could hold my promise true, the one I had spoken to my mother as I died; Just lingering for moments longer, I knew that I would be the first to greet every single one of them as they crossed the threshold, entered the Paradise they all deserved, finally tasting the peace we had all fought for.
***
Fin
